I got a question related to the upcoming Traveling Light healing tour that sorta floored me: “What if no one wants you or thinks they need you?” Not a snarky, burst the bubble kind of question but a real one that requires some reflection because, well, that notion hadn’t crossed my mind.
It’s like a smack upside the back of the head, ain’t it. Fuck. And, really, what if? Holy shitballs.
And, it’s one I need to answer. For myself. What if, indeed?
Nothing like an honest question to make you get honest with yourself, eh?
A few days before Christmas I posted here in Traveling Light about the upcoming magical mystery tour a la Oliphant; a road trip across the country (and, possibly, the continent) to bring my unique healing gift to those who desire or need it. Seemed like a no-brainer at the time. I don’t have the responsibility of paying rent or maintaining property and I’ve spent, in my mind, too much time waiting for people to find me. They do but not with the frequency that keeps me engaged in my magic in the way I need to be or the way that sustains living comfortably. My logic, or lack thereof depending on one’s perspective, is that the best way to know myself is to know others. To join my experience of living with theirs, where ever they may be.
I fully admit this exercise is not one that is entirely altruistic. I’m looking for a place to call home and there’s only one way to find it; to go see what’s what other places than here where affordable housing is in short supply. I also want to feel useful. I don’t feel useful where I an. My services aren’t used here in the way they need to be so, seems to me I should go to where they are. It’s a crappy feeling to know that, when all you want is to be of service, your services aren’t wanted.
Which brings us right back to yesterday’s question. What if I put me, my one bag, and Tater (she’s my Mini!) on the open highway and I’m not wanted even then?
That will fucking suck. I’m just as human as everyone else. I want to be of service and I want, well, to be wanted, necessary, validated & supported.
So here’s what will happen: I will again question my role here on this blue marble, cry and curse (a lot of both) be hungry and wonder how I’m going to fill the tank. I will face my issues of rejection and abandonment (oh, yes. I, too, have those. Remember that human thing). I will wonder what I’m doing wrong, if I’ll ever get it ‘right’, why I was given this healing gift, if I should sell out, yadda yadda…
Then, I’ll drive. I’ll just keep going. Left turn, right turn. And I’ll end up in the next place I’m meant to be, even if I’m merely brought full circle.
Because I was born for this and this is meant to be.