Conversation with God, June 12, 2024

Photo by: Rostyslav Savchyn

I share these conversations but not because I want to. I don't I don't want any of this: the job, the process, the sharing of it. It's often embarrassing, it's always time-consuming and, in my mind, energy-wasting. Readers, what few there are, don't have access to background: the 15 years of conversations in my own head, 10 years of symbolism-filled visions and dreams, and the back-and-forth between me and God and Jesus and others. However, It tells me to share these things and I'm not the boss of me.

I drove to the airport in Montrose on June 12 to pick my landlord up. As I was driving, the God-thing popped through. The context of this conversation is my repeated questioning about why I was being pushed, for months, to spend money I literally did not have (beyond overdraft protection) when I knew I didn't have income.

I'd been told by others that 'your future unfolding is in unreality' (whatever that is supposed to mean), 'you don't have to believe it, JUST DO IT!' (from Jesus hisself a month prior and the reason I told him, "Don't be a dick!").

I live what other people might call a magical way. Magical realism might be a better descriptor because even though my living involves communion with ancestors, elements, animals and more, it's grounded in in the real-life action of a human being, discarded remains of human beings, crime and jobs and rent and groceries and bad shampoo. I firmly believe, I stand solidly in the knowing, that all the information I have around Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Al Qaeda is true, in part because I've had enough violent feedback to know that if it weren't true, no one would bother shooting at and threatening me. And, frankly, law enforcement wouldn't believe if they thought it was 'unreal'. I can't physically see everything I know--yet--but know I will. All of that is to say that I live an 'unreal' life to some but it's based in my own logical processes.

However, I have not been able to wrap my head around the idea that money is going to magically show up from somewhere else: a vortex, a thought, positive thinking and hope--that's not logical. To me, it's either in an account or it's not. So the idea of being encouraged (or forced, depending on one's perspective) to spend money when there was no foreseeable income or there is no actual money, is counter to all that's rational, normal, and real even in a life of magical realism.

So, in this drive to the airport, within this very specific context, the following conversation began. The very first part is missing because it didn't occur until about 10 minutes in to record it. When there is context missing for a reader, I'll try my best to fill in so it's understandable.

"We are going to teach you how not to be afraid whether there's evidence to support it or not. Your job is to follow and listen. I had never couched my desire to live within my means, even when there wasn't a means, as fear. The reference to 'evidence to support' is related to my 'if I can't see it, it's not there' frame of mind (and argument). However, I'll cede that, especially for the past three years, I've been afraid of not being able to take care of myself and I've pushed myself into dangerously poor health repeatedly because I could see no other way.

There is a timeline. Your participation is key. But you can choose the other way. But why? Everything around you is saying, trust, trust, trust. There is nothing interfering with that beyond your own perception and fear. That fear is grounded in the wrong perception. Do as I say. Bitch all you want, but do it. Breath and bravery. If you can take on a cartel, you can take this on.

There is no lie here. The timing may be off on some things… receive, listen, attach when it's necessary. And it's not often necessary. There are lots of voices. There is a lot of need. You are more than one. Breathe. Hold onto nothing but me. You are right in that you lack sovereignty. Follow and change the world. Don’t, in trouble. That poem we gave you was not just about missing women, although it is anchored in that. [referring to my poem on Ariel]. Find a way no matter how you feel about it, find a way to get past this fear. That 20% is only fear [referring to a vision in the wee hours of 6/11, where I was shown 80% of a shape, as if it were in the process of completion]. That's the hindrance. That. It's not about your nervous system. Although it plays a role, this is conditioning and only conditioning. And why I have pushed you away from social conventions…because it's at more than one level, not just your behavior with others. Breathe then. That's all for now.

A few minutes later: Be here. Every time you try to figure something out, that annoying voice has an opportunity. Be. Here! Presence is key as are those two goats you just saw [connected to a vision a few nights before, seen in the moment as We were talking].

Attach to nothing, pay attention. You are not keeping yourself unsafe. You feel like that because you can't see, you can't trust. My perspective is all encompassing [yours is not]. I made you on purpose, for purpose. You have never been failed, you will not be failed. You just need to stop trying to control. That is how you heal your body and mind. Make yourself open and expansive in the way that you were meant to be. If you are not confident then you need to fake it! You need to retrain your own self by following my lead. We know what we're doing. You do not.

The ferocity is purposeful. This is like you telling her [a friend]—wanting to tell—that it’s loving to yell at your kid to get their hand off the hot stove. Many things depend on you getting on board sooner rather than later. The push is purposeful. The demand is purposeful! Your deepest parts know what is right and I am not separate from that. I’m not separate from the rest of it, either, however there's no need to add more into the chaos. All of these things tie together. ALL. You can't see how but it IS soon. You will need to be centered because bug-eyed…. because bugeyed is the least of it [Bug-eyed is a description used for many months to explain how surprised I'll be when some key element of this comes together] . There is danger but not now. That team in the background? Absolutely exists and they are in the background on purpose, for purpose and ultimately it is for me, not you.

Hold fast.

Hold fast onto me.

Hold fast onto truth.

Hold fast on to knowing that you are safe, no matter how uncomfortable you are.

Your comfort or discomfort is yours and yours alone. Navigate it.

Fear is there for a reason; you are human. However you are also not just that. You are made to be the bringer of peace, of all peace and to be the warrior you are. That is not a contradiction, that is not a conundrum. That is. You are.

You will do this alone in many respects [but not always] but you will share more than you think you will. My presence cannot move through your fear. That is your veil. That is the only veil. As that lifts, that curtain lifts [also referring to a string of visions]. You may not have imposter syndrome but you have some shit to get over. Trust in me. Trust in Him [jesus] who you think is an asshole[I do.] Asshole he may be but he is also correct. Trust. Trust. Trust. Every prayer you have prayed has been heard. Every need has been received. Every desire has been woven. None of these things in your world are separate. There is much more to this that you cannot know know but you are not as alone as you think you are. Stay steady.

That depth of peace ‘from the highest’ is yours at all times. It requires nothing from you but to drop that veil. You are your own filter. When I told you you were confining yourself, it wasn’t just about the hardware store job. It was about fighting Me with this need to feel safe and to think you’re the one doing it. Let me lead. He [Jesus] was speaking for me, as me Because he is me. As are you. But you can’t know that and be afraid simultaneously. Be done with this now. As you drive: be here. be here. be here. Now!

There is such a thing as higher self, however, it's focus is on the individuated energy. It has the unique quality, though, of awareness and realization of me as well. It often bridges the gap when people will allow, between the individuated energy and the larger life force. However, not everyone has that experience. Not everyone has one [a higher self]. Sometimes people never do. Sometimes they do at different periods of their life. You have been introduced to yours. It is absolutely different from your intuition. Your intuition is tied to patterns of behavior and is limited by perception You have. You, as Ingrid, have the capacity to be outside of what some might call a standard of human perception where that meet the extraordinary.

Even beyond that is where you are headed. If you're not afraid of that, then you can't be afraid of me— that cannot exist together. Remember this. Your capacities are far greater than you can imagine. You have only touched the edges of them and how you inspire others when you are grounded outside of this fear, when you're a very foundation is me then things change differently. By that, I mean there is nothing incremental in it. You can change all of that in an instant. It's not just something else bringing it to... Decide and do. Let's end this again for now."

Later, while at Walmart: “Just live as if there are no limits. Begin NOW!! We are forcing your hand on purpose.

A few minutes later: it’s not about deserving or performing. It’s about flowing, not as some people define it but for you, of you. This is for you.

The path of least resistance is not assuaging your fear.

It is neither right nor wrong. It is just no longer serving you. We cannot catalyze anything in the state you were in earlier. You used to talk about being a partner, being in partnership. This is you doing your part. Adapt. Flow. Keep moving. You did good, you're doing good. Keep going

That part, the other 20%? That's not a long term thing. You know will be doing this today right now. Push. Keep going like this."

This journey is as profoundly, deeply personal as it is simultaneously for The Bigger Than Us. I don't have a full understanding of the unfolding and may never until it comes forth in an obvious way like the above conversation. I've said over and over again, "I can't make this stuff up," and I can't. I can't create ahead of this. I can't get unconfused until there's clarity.

A day after this conversation, It suggested I relocate my balls and, again, the framework for this was in buying. To which I let loose about It being infected by capitalism and other bad habits of man like living beyond means. I know that's not possible but I was especially aware of the negative bank account and still had no understanding why I was being so hard and repeatedly in one direction, with one direction. In quick response, "Means is a limit. Means is made up. Don't hold me back. Live. Remember Agata's place [meaning remember what it felt like where there was financial freedom and support]. Remember before [meaning where there were no financial limits pre-2008] Remember Lucille [Lucille Clifton whose repeated message since 2021 has been, "Just live your life, Ingrid"]

God continued:

"This is what was meant by “don’t limit me. It was less about what you identify as spiritual and more about all encompassing. You, too, keep real the separation between you and I. You understand it at one level, but do not at the place where the rubber hits the road as you say.

Every bit of this is attitude. Every bit."

From me: I thought I was doing the right thing.

The response: There is/was no right or wrong. This is now. Act accordingly. I wish I could convince you to act without hesitation. To click the buttons and buy without a second thought. You’re not going to get struck by lightning or go to jail. One of the reasons you’re admired is your command. You have forgotten that. And need it desperately. Forget the social conventions notes. You need your Balls. No weeble, no wobble. Act decisively, without regret.

When you said earlier, you did not need anything, that may have been true at one level, but that was a response to being afraid. Own it. This isn’t about need or want. This is about putting you in a position to act confidently and doing so without getting ready first And requiring proof that you are safe to do things like take control. And don’t confuse my words or try to manipulate them, you know exactly what I mean.

My response:

"So if I make the Amazon and Sephora orders, all I’m doing is something in defiance. It does not feel healthy, or natural to merely act in response to you or in reaction to feeling shamed into action. To do so at this very moment would not change anything for me mentally or emotionally. Please understand that I am trying. To me this is not just pushing against social conviction/convention. It is learning or relearning something that you think is basic. That has not been my perspective, it has never been my perspective and although I wish I could flip a switch That doesn’t seem to be happening.

There really are so many voices, that even if they are merely energy, there is a physiological and mental response to them. I feel like I have to expend so much energy trying to navigate that there is nothing left over. I don’t want to feel shame about hitting buy now, I don’t want to feel my own fear or [the landlord's] fear around rent not getting paid, but I don’t know how to undo that. Maybe forcing me is undoing that. (I got a "yes" to that but that doesn’t make it any easier in the moment).

I feel like I have to create a pattern of receiving and seeing receipt to rewire into trust. To me, that does not seem unreasonable. I understand you see it differently, and you perhaps think differently of me because of it. When I am centered, I will sit with what it’s like to order the things and make a decision from a place that is not reactive. I was gonna use the word responsibility in contrast to irresponsibility, but if I’m going to do this, and I think I need to take responsibility and do so with confidence, not like a scared child. Not like somebody who is afraid God is not gonna take care of her."

Also me: Why is the focus on money?

God: Because it’s the most relevant and important to you, and can lead the way back into confidence in yourself and faith in me. (This first part of the answer is identical to the answer when I asked the same question about rent in 2023 and 2024).

---

For over a year, we've been in this awkward tango about income. Me needing it and It saying, "Wait for God, don't push, leave the job," Jesus has said, "Don't you dare go to the food pantry...do not reapply for food stamps and medicaid....trust, trust, trust..it doesn't matter if you believe, JUST DO IT," and my physical world access to practical-world living becomes more small at each demand of 'trust'. I can't ask for help, the things created for sale don't sell, and contorting myself into anything else is absolutely impossible and I don't know what to do except to be still within it.

I found a note I wrote 4 years ago:

It's not exactly negotiating but more like looking for a clear understanding to whom I am for – in this specific circumstance. Where do I is the individuated, embodied energy of Ingrid Oliphant – having specific human needs and desires – fit in all of this? Where do my boundaries and needs to meet those of the Universal? Is there a separation? Is it supposed to be this way? What role does the language around surrender play here?

This has been a theme the past few years. At times it's felt like negotiating with God or the gods, finding a way to be this Embodied Presence within the framework of the lived experience and the perceived need to feel cared for, taken care of (perhaps even loved) while I take care of the world, even if it's a small portion of the world. However, within each of these 'arguments', attempts at negotiation and even the conversations with God that feel like finger-wagging, there is a current of, "How blessed am I to be this? In this? To be as it all is, in the midst of inglorious glory?"

How these things exist simultaneously is beyond even my own understanding and I'm the one in it.