I don’t doubt.
I can’t doubt. Not now.
One can’t possibly become this expression of the universe for nothing.
It’s got to be more than just an interesting story unfolding. It has to be, it must be that ‘significant and eternal’ thing; that thing that makes me feel like I’m fighting for my life. Except it’s not my life. It’s all of our lives and I’m afraid it’s of no use.
I mean, am I the only one who can see this this-ness? Past the sanitized spirituality into spirit and know its significance? Know my own?
I mean, I could be wrong about all of this, right? About who I am and how I am, right? It could just be a flight of fancy, right? A grandiose gesture while I’m trying to figure out how to be this, right? Like people would experience me as Jesus, their own crucifixions and resurrections, awakenings and healing for nothing, right?
It could just be my wild imaginings that bring others onto this path and send me into the deserts, right? Myth-men and gods and dead people and ground yearning to give life might not be showing up in my vision and visions, right?
I could feel this call to duty for us and ancients and the future for nothing, right?
This can’t be for nothing, right?
I’m fucking scared. I don’t know how to go on but I can’t stop. Yet, I feel like the poster-child for ‘abandon all hope, ye who enter here’. Why would anyone want to follow this path with me, behind me as I pave the way? I keep wondering if I were brown-skinned, wore orange robes or looked Indian or Indian, or called myself something other than my truth if it would be this hard.
And I wonder if I’ll ever get to speak all the truth that’s in me; be all the truth that is in me, that is me.
But what am I going to do, right? Stop? Wrong.
I don’t doubt. I am fully aware of the rightness of all of this and will not stop. Left foot, right foot. Left turn, right turn. Dancing with the dead, with the alive and bridging them.
Bridging them to the home of the heart, to the heart of the infinite; to the the heart of the earth, to the heart of the inner world & outer worlds, embodied.
With or without home. Always with grace.